I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
