The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
one two three fourrrrnication!
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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