I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
