it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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