I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Randomize