You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
