Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
