Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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