yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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