Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
