I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize