nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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