omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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