i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Randomize