u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
