just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize