She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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