i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
