i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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