Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
