Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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