Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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