I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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