sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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