Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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