they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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