so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
are you so shy because you have an std?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
