Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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