The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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