I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
