So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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