I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
