I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
