the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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