cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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