No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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