I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
