Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
