if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So drunk its hurt
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
she woke up with a sticky ear
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Bring me that man meat
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
