Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
