Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
