I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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