So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We left the knife in your bed.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
A+ Viking dick
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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