Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
