Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
