He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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