Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
