I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
