that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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