I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
