I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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