I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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