Plan B is the new Plan A
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
