11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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