she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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