I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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