I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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