New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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