Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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